I usually don’t write fan fiction, but I got into a discussion today about Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and her resemblance to Professor McGonagall from Harry Potter and was challenged to write this. So I did. In ten minutes. Don’t judge me.
“Harry Potter and the Notorious RBG”
By Benjamin Bjostad
Harry Potter and the Notorious RBG by Benjamin Bjostad is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
Dedicated to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, truly a badass sorceress of truth.
The students waited anxiously for their first day of Muggle Justice, a new subject that had never been taught at Hogwarts before. After an unfortunate incident involving anti-choice wizards using patronuses to block access to reproductive health clinics, the Ministry of Magic decided the new course was necessary to convince students that the rule of law must be followed, even if you’re a very conservative wizard.
The students quit whispering as they heard the click of a pair of severe shoes on tile. The new teacher was here, and they craned their necks to see into the hallway.
She was old, and frail, but although she was clearly a small woman, her presence was that of a titan, striding into the classroom like a far more composed Hagrid. When she spoke, it was as if a chorus of angels had eaten a law school library, impossible to ignore, yet with an undertone that made everyone in the room but the Slytherins want to take a knee before her and pledge fealty. The Slytherins just wanted to run away, but with the tight race between Slytherin and Ravenclaw that year, none of them wished to risk the points that would be taken away from their house.
“Good morning, students, I am Professor Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.” She brandished a wand and her name wrote itself on the chalkboard.
“Wait a minute, wizards aren’t allowed to sit on the American Supreme Court!” Hermione whispered to Harry.
“And halfbloods shouldn’t be allowed in Hogwarts,” Draco Malfoy cut in, nastily.
“Miss Granger, I can hear that. I was born a muggle. Apparently enough people called me a ‘badass sorceress of truth’ on the internet that I actually gained the power to perform magic. Anyway, today we’re going to be discussing Muggle Justice. Please open your textbooks to the first page.”
“Professor Justice Ginsburg?” Ron asked, waving his hand. “This isn’t a textbook, it’s just a bunch of pictures of you dropping microphones on the floor.”
Ginsburg waved her wand and Ron turned into a microphone. She walked across the room, picked him up, and nonchalantly dropped him, returning back to the front. As an afterthought, she waved her wand and Ron returned to his human form, none the worse for wear.
“This won’t be a long class, students,” Ginsburg said. The key here is that to know about muggle justice, all you have to think about is ‘what would RBG do?” Every one of these dropped mics represent me dropping the mic on a bunch of uneducated motherfuckers trying to take away someone’s rights. I’m the motherfucking voice of justice, bitches.”
She waved her wand again, and Draco Malfoy turned into a microphone. With another wave of the wand, he bounced to her hand, and she dropped the Draco Mic out the window, falling hundreds of feet into the crazy forest with all the spiders in it. Draco changed back to his real form, just in time for the whomping willow to beat the shit out of him. Then a spider ate him. It was tragic.
RBG straightened her robes and strode out of the room. To this day, every year Hogwarts shows the video of Ginsburg’s class to students, and the Slytherins haven’t tried to interfere with a reproductive justice clinic again.